It has been a long time since my last blog. And now just a minute ago I read that PSA levels decrease over two years, so this 'long time' is not long enough.
I went to the hospital yesterday for a blood test and chest xray. This was a strong reminder of having had cancer.Until just nowI thought that the blood test might give me an all clear result.No. It is two years of waiting.
So .... I wait and do my total health meditation every day and wonder what else I should do; More organic food, less cured meat, more fruit and vegetables, more exercise......right now I want to say 'fuck it' I just want to be normally healthy like I have been all my life.
Wednesday, 11 September 2013
Wednesday, 15 May 2013
The Visitors.
What happened to that month? Well we had six separate visitors in the five weeks since I last posted. It has been a welcome distraction except of course each visitor asks how I am with that meaningful look that says they mean how am I following radiotherapy.
And the answer has varied. In the first two weeks I was eagerly awaiting the end of side effects, and enjoying NOT traveling two hours every afternoon. 'My' nurse had said it would take two weeks.
During the third week I was feeling very fed up that it was taking longer. In the fourth week I kept thinking all was back to normal until I felt a twinge while peeing or having sex, or detected soreness of skin as I wore a tighter belt or tried to strim.
In the fifth week I have forgotten all about it, until our sixth guest asked, and then rather a strong reminder on Monday when the hospital rang with my follow up appointment.
In fact that phone call brought a lot up for me. I am waiting for the all clear. The appointment was brought forward to just before I go to Greece on 15th June. So it is still a long wait, especially as I doubt I will hear for a few days so will probably be in Greece.And until I hear I won't quite feel clear of it all, even though I had a feeling some six or seven weeks ago that the cancer had gone.
The phone call also reminded me of all having cancer has involved and how I hate having to deal with hospitals. How they did not read the note I left saying when I was going to Greece. How I am not told anything in advance about what will happen when I attend on 13th......and so on.
And as I write this there is a lump in my throat hiding a wad of sadness.
The final hurdle awaits.
And the answer has varied. In the first two weeks I was eagerly awaiting the end of side effects, and enjoying NOT traveling two hours every afternoon. 'My' nurse had said it would take two weeks.
During the third week I was feeling very fed up that it was taking longer. In the fourth week I kept thinking all was back to normal until I felt a twinge while peeing or having sex, or detected soreness of skin as I wore a tighter belt or tried to strim.
In the fifth week I have forgotten all about it, until our sixth guest asked, and then rather a strong reminder on Monday when the hospital rang with my follow up appointment.
In fact that phone call brought a lot up for me. I am waiting for the all clear. The appointment was brought forward to just before I go to Greece on 15th June. So it is still a long wait, especially as I doubt I will hear for a few days so will probably be in Greece.And until I hear I won't quite feel clear of it all, even though I had a feeling some six or seven weeks ago that the cancer had gone.
The phone call also reminded me of all having cancer has involved and how I hate having to deal with hospitals. How they did not read the note I left saying when I was going to Greece. How I am not told anything in advance about what will happen when I attend on 13th......and so on.
And as I write this there is a lump in my throat hiding a wad of sadness.
The final hurdle awaits.
Thursday, 11 April 2013
One last time...
My last radio session was different in two ways. I only discovered last week that the sessions can be of higher intensity and noted on Monday that the machine 'fired' at me from seven directions instead of five. On my last session this was back to five.
The other difference was the notable friendliness of the staff saying goodbye and good luck. The most friendliness in eight weeks!
So it is all over now. What do I think and feel? My last posting covers a lot of this. The other thing to add is that it has not really penetrated to the deeper levels of me....psychologically I mean!....that it is over.
Now I wait. Will keep you posted.
The other difference was the notable friendliness of the staff saying goodbye and good luck. The most friendliness in eight weeks!
So it is all over now. What do I think and feel? My last posting covers a lot of this. The other thing to add is that it has not really penetrated to the deeper levels of me....psychologically I mean!....that it is over.
Now I wait. Will keep you posted.
Tuesday, 9 April 2013
Breakdown
It happened twice last week: the radiotherapy machine was having a bad patch and stopped working after we were already there waiting, as I say twice. At least we did some shopping one day and saw our children the other.
Now this is my last day......it has been a wearing process. And it is two or three months until I get the all clear.
I feel like there are some things I will miss.One is always having something to do in the afternoons, a trip out. And then there is the more illusive and surprising sense of missing having cancer. Those of you that have read this all through will know that I have benefited from much kindness. It has not been everywhere I have looked for it, nor consistent, but definitely there. I will miss this and have resolved to give out more kindness to others so the relationships of kindness continue.
I am pondering what else I will miss. If I am honest there is a sort of buzz in all this: a weird excitement. I will miss this too.
I might even miss writing this blog ......for completeness though I will at minimum tell you about today's last treatment and what I am wanting to assume will be the good news when it comes.
Now this is my last day......it has been a wearing process. And it is two or three months until I get the all clear.
I feel like there are some things I will miss.One is always having something to do in the afternoons, a trip out. And then there is the more illusive and surprising sense of missing having cancer. Those of you that have read this all through will know that I have benefited from much kindness. It has not been everywhere I have looked for it, nor consistent, but definitely there. I will miss this and have resolved to give out more kindness to others so the relationships of kindness continue.
I am pondering what else I will miss. If I am honest there is a sort of buzz in all this: a weird excitement. I will miss this too.
I might even miss writing this blog ......for completeness though I will at minimum tell you about today's last treatment and what I am wanting to assume will be the good news when it comes.
Saturday, 30 March 2013
Six of the Best
It has rained a lot this month, apparently the most since 1946. This has no relevance to my cancer except context....I find it is easier to feel optimistic when the sun is shining. This is why I moved to Andalucia.
It has also been very windy (no jokes about bowel side effect please) which can be pretty tedious ( the outdoor wind I mean) and discourages the out door time we all crave at this time of year.
Six more sessions to go. It would be five but the bloody suite had a a door failure so we drove there an hour but had no treatment and drove back.
Despite all this six sessions means the end is within sight and my stress levels are diminishing.
And perhaps best of all I have a feeling that the cancer has now gone.
It has also been very windy (no jokes about bowel side effect please) which can be pretty tedious ( the outdoor wind I mean) and discourages the out door time we all crave at this time of year.
Six more sessions to go. It would be five but the bloody suite had a a door failure so we drove there an hour but had no treatment and drove back.
Despite all this six sessions means the end is within sight and my stress levels are diminishing.
And perhaps best of all I have a feeling that the cancer has now gone.
Sunday, 24 March 2013
Stressed, me?
I was talking today to a woman friend who has breast cancer and is being treated with chemotherapy. I am very grateful not to need this. We both seem to be emotionally labile and concluded it is a stress related thing. It is not however clear why our respective treatments cause a lot of stress.
I am certainly more stressed now than when I had cancer but no treatment. It seems to be an accumulation of small stresses. There is the drive of an hour each way. There is the reminder that I have cancer every time I pee and it hurts. There is being manhandled on the treatment table to get me in exactly the right position. None of these things amount to much on their own but together add up to a wearing experience accumulating over each weeks five days of treatment.
I do meditation and keep life as simple as possible yet I know I will be very relieved in ten days time when it comes to an end. I also have a suspicion that I will somehow miss it all!
I am certainly more stressed now than when I had cancer but no treatment. It seems to be an accumulation of small stresses. There is the drive of an hour each way. There is the reminder that I have cancer every time I pee and it hurts. There is being manhandled on the treatment table to get me in exactly the right position. None of these things amount to much on their own but together add up to a wearing experience accumulating over each weeks five days of treatment.
I do meditation and keep life as simple as possible yet I know I will be very relieved in ten days time when it comes to an end. I also have a suspicion that I will somehow miss it all!
Friday, 15 March 2013
Sometimes....
Some days recently I have been struggling to understand what is going on for me emotionally. One hour I am feeling positive, happy and the next deeply tearfully sad. I find I can go along on a reasonably level path, then something happens that I think I would normally cope with and I plunge in to a abyss of sadness or become disproportionately angry.
Recent financial discussions with an associate have left me feeling drained and each time I have picked myself up and responded he has come back with a seeming unhelpful response, culminating in the most unhelpful of all. Would I cope with this any better if I did not have cancer and radiotherapy to deal with ? I do not know. I hope so.
Recent financial discussions with an associate have left me feeling drained and each time I have picked myself up and responded he has come back with a seeming unhelpful response, culminating in the most unhelpful of all. Would I cope with this any better if I did not have cancer and radiotherapy to deal with ? I do not know. I hope so.
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