Viral Spain 9th December 2021

 

Viral Spain Blog 25^th November 2021.

Bananas, yes bananas, they are an important part of our life! Yesterday morning I popped into the greengrocers. I asked what bananas they had and was pointed to some short stumpy ones grown locally and two euros a kilo. We are on a buy local drive at the moment so I bought some asking for one or two ready to eat next day and felt pretty pleased with myself.

What is it they say comes before a fall?

This morning porridge was made, lightly cooked bananas within, mmm breakfast on a cold morning! No! The banana had a sort of green taste. Sarah says floury. Anyway they were barely edible. We will see if they improve with further ripening but Sarah might buy some standard bananas this morning just in case!

I find life to be like that, if not full of the unexpected, at least with a healthy measure of it. Take last weekend, we had a men's group training weekend. It was due to be about designing our initiation. We had two highly experienced trainers over. On Friday morning our parent organisation in the UK phoned to say they would not be releasing their Mentoring Handbook to us. There has been a chequered history of the UK people helping then not helping us, their Spanish off shoot. We were not therefore very surprised. And being adaptable our trainer team decided to give us a weekend on mentoring instead.

It seems we are finally severing our UK connection.

Anyway it meant I had a weekend learning about mentoring which to be honest I don't know if I would have opted for. I was a probation officer in the UK for 22 years and latterly took part in training at least a dozen student probation officers, even did a lecture or two at Exeter University. There are also my 40 weekends of Psychotherapy training lurking in the back ground. On Friday I was not sure how relevant my old experiences might be to 'mentoring'. Also my career did finish 21 years ago. However by the end of the weekend I began to feel a growing surge of confidence, even competence!

On Sunday afternoon we looked at our current motivations and life purpose, something we might work on with mentorees. First though we need to look at ourselves and ask 'what makes me get up in the morning with a smile on my face? '

The answer for me is a mixed bag of activities and plans that do not comprise a fulfilling whole. We have been set the task of finding our current life purpose in the next four months. I have some work to do.

One question is how different is it if one is retired and nearly 70? Tell me what you think older readers! Meantime my dear friend and daily correspondent in Australia is saying I have more to offer because of my age. He lists the qualities and experiences I can bring to my life purpose. I shall spare my blushes (and maybe yours ) and not list them here.

This all may be true but certainly bucks the societal trend, as I perceive it, that the old be put out to grass and largely ignored. Maybe I will be testing that norm.

Now though it looks as if it might have warmed up a bit out side and I shall hop on my bike for a stimulating 40 minutes of pedalling in the sun.

Thank you for reading this far. Do put an emoji to show you have read it. I value my readers! Go well.

Fuck it.

     It has been a long time since my last blog. And now just a minute ago I read that PSA levels decrease over two years, so this 'long time' is not long enough.
     I went to the hospital yesterday for a blood test and chest xray. This was a strong reminder of having had cancer.Until just nowI thought that the blood test might give me an all clear result.No. It is two years of waiting.
      So .... I wait and do my total health meditation every day and wonder what else I should do; More organic food, less cured meat, more fruit and vegetables, more exercise......right now I want to say 'fuck it' I just want to be normally healthy like I have been all my life.

The Visitors.

       What happened to that month?  Well we had six separate visitors in the five weeks since I last posted. It has been a welcome distraction except of course each visitor asks how I am with that meaningful look that says they mean how am I following radiotherapy.
        And the answer has varied. In the first two weeks I was eagerly awaiting the end of side effects, and enjoying NOT traveling two hours every afternoon. 'My' nurse had said it would take two weeks. 
    During the third week I was feeling very fed up that it was taking longer. In the fourth week I kept thinking all was back to normal until I felt a twinge while peeing or having sex, or detected soreness of skin as I wore a tighter belt or tried to strim.
       In the fifth week I have forgotten all about it, until our sixth guest asked, and then rather a strong reminder on Monday when the hospital rang with my follow up appointment.
        In fact that phone call brought a lot up for me. I am waiting for the all clear. The appointment was brought forward to just before I go to Greece on 15th June. So it is still a long wait, especially as I doubt I will hear for a few days so will probably be in Greece.And until I hear I won't quite feel clear of it all, even though I had a feeling some six or seven weeks ago that the cancer had gone.
           The phone call also reminded me of all having cancer has involved and how I hate having to deal with hospitals. How they did not read the note I left saying when I was going to Greece. How I am not told anything in advance about what will happen when I attend on 13th......and so on.
             And  as I write this there is a lump in my throat hiding a wad of sadness.
           The final hurdle awaits.

One last time...

       My last radio session was different in two ways. I only discovered last week that the sessions can be of higher intensity and noted on Monday that the machine 'fired' at me from seven directions instead of five. On my last session this was back to five.
         The other difference was the notable friendliness of the staff saying goodbye and good luck. The most friendliness in eight weeks!
          So it is all over now. What do I think and feel? My last posting covers a lot of this. The other thing to add is that it has not really penetrated to the deeper levels of me....psychologically I mean!....that it is over.
               Now I wait. Will keep you posted.

Breakdown

     It happened twice last week: the radiotherapy machine was having a bad patch and stopped working after we were already there waiting, as I say twice. At least we did some shopping one day and saw our children the other.
        Now this is my last day......it has been a wearing process. And  it is two or three months until I get the all clear.
        I feel like there are some things I will miss.One is always having something to do in the afternoons, a trip out. And then there is the more illusive and surprising sense of missing having cancer. Those of you that have read this all through will know that I have benefited from much kindness. It has not been everywhere I have looked for it, nor consistent, but definitely there. I will miss this and have resolved to give out more kindness to others so the relationships of kindness continue.
          I am pondering what else I will miss. If I am honest there is a sort of buzz in all this: a weird excitement. I will miss this too.
          I might even miss writing this blog ......for completeness though I will at minimum tell you about today's last treatment and what I am wanting to assume will be the good news when it comes.

Six of the Best

         It has rained a lot this month, apparently the most since 1946. This has no relevance to my cancer except context....I find it is easier to feel optimistic when the sun is shining. This is why I moved to Andalucia.
          It has also been very windy (no jokes about bowel side effect please) which can be pretty tedious ( the outdoor wind I mean) and discourages the out door time we all crave at this time of year.
            Six more sessions to go. It would be five but the bloody suite had a a door failure so we drove there an hour but had no treatment and drove back.
            Despite all this six sessions means the end is within sight and my stress levels are diminishing.
             And perhaps best of all I have a feeling that the cancer has now gone.

Stressed, me?

    I was talking today to a woman friend who has breast cancer and is being treated with chemotherapy. I am very grateful not to need this. We both seem to be emotionally labile and concluded it is a stress related thing. It is not however clear why our respective treatments cause a lot of stress.
       I am certainly more stressed now than when I had cancer but no treatment. It seems to be an accumulation of small stresses. There is the drive of an hour each way. There is the reminder that I have cancer every time I pee and it hurts. There is being manhandled on the treatment table to get me in exactly the right position. None of these things amount to much on their own but together add up to a wearing experience accumulating over each weeks five days of treatment.
        I do meditation and keep life as simple as possible yet I know I will be very relieved in ten days time when it comes to an end. I also have a suspicion that I will somehow miss it all!