Fuck it.

     It has been a long time since my last blog. And now just a minute ago I read that PSA levels decrease over two years, so this 'long time' is not long enough.
     I went to the hospital yesterday for a blood test and chest xray. This was a strong reminder of having had cancer.Until just nowI thought that the blood test might give me an all clear result.No. It is two years of waiting.
      So .... I wait and do my total health meditation every day and wonder what else I should do; More organic food, less cured meat, more fruit and vegetables, more exercise......right now I want to say 'fuck it' I just want to be normally healthy like I have been all my life.

The Visitors.

       What happened to that month?  Well we had six separate visitors in the five weeks since I last posted. It has been a welcome distraction except of course each visitor asks how I am with that meaningful look that says they mean how am I following radiotherapy.
        And the answer has varied. In the first two weeks I was eagerly awaiting the end of side effects, and enjoying NOT traveling two hours every afternoon. 'My' nurse had said it would take two weeks. 
    During the third week I was feeling very fed up that it was taking longer. In the fourth week I kept thinking all was back to normal until I felt a twinge while peeing or having sex, or detected soreness of skin as I wore a tighter belt or tried to strim.
       In the fifth week I have forgotten all about it, until our sixth guest asked, and then rather a strong reminder on Monday when the hospital rang with my follow up appointment.
        In fact that phone call brought a lot up for me. I am waiting for the all clear. The appointment was brought forward to just before I go to Greece on 15th June. So it is still a long wait, especially as I doubt I will hear for a few days so will probably be in Greece.And until I hear I won't quite feel clear of it all, even though I had a feeling some six or seven weeks ago that the cancer had gone.
           The phone call also reminded me of all having cancer has involved and how I hate having to deal with hospitals. How they did not read the note I left saying when I was going to Greece. How I am not told anything in advance about what will happen when I attend on 13th......and so on.
             And  as I write this there is a lump in my throat hiding a wad of sadness.
           The final hurdle awaits.

One last time...

       My last radio session was different in two ways. I only discovered last week that the sessions can be of higher intensity and noted on Monday that the machine 'fired' at me from seven directions instead of five. On my last session this was back to five.
         The other difference was the notable friendliness of the staff saying goodbye and good luck. The most friendliness in eight weeks!
          So it is all over now. What do I think and feel? My last posting covers a lot of this. The other thing to add is that it has not really penetrated to the deeper levels of me....psychologically I mean!....that it is over.
               Now I wait. Will keep you posted.

Breakdown

     It happened twice last week: the radiotherapy machine was having a bad patch and stopped working after we were already there waiting, as I say twice. At least we did some shopping one day and saw our children the other.
        Now this is my last day......it has been a wearing process. And  it is two or three months until I get the all clear.
        I feel like there are some things I will miss.One is always having something to do in the afternoons, a trip out. And then there is the more illusive and surprising sense of missing having cancer. Those of you that have read this all through will know that I have benefited from much kindness. It has not been everywhere I have looked for it, nor consistent, but definitely there. I will miss this and have resolved to give out more kindness to others so the relationships of kindness continue.
          I am pondering what else I will miss. If I am honest there is a sort of buzz in all this: a weird excitement. I will miss this too.
          I might even miss writing this blog ......for completeness though I will at minimum tell you about today's last treatment and what I am wanting to assume will be the good news when it comes.

Six of the Best

         It has rained a lot this month, apparently the most since 1946. This has no relevance to my cancer except context....I find it is easier to feel optimistic when the sun is shining. This is why I moved to Andalucia.
          It has also been very windy (no jokes about bowel side effect please) which can be pretty tedious ( the outdoor wind I mean) and discourages the out door time we all crave at this time of year.
            Six more sessions to go. It would be five but the bloody suite had a a door failure so we drove there an hour but had no treatment and drove back.
            Despite all this six sessions means the end is within sight and my stress levels are diminishing.
             And perhaps best of all I have a feeling that the cancer has now gone.

Stressed, me?

    I was talking today to a woman friend who has breast cancer and is being treated with chemotherapy. I am very grateful not to need this. We both seem to be emotionally labile and concluded it is a stress related thing. It is not however clear why our respective treatments cause a lot of stress.
       I am certainly more stressed now than when I had cancer but no treatment. It seems to be an accumulation of small stresses. There is the drive of an hour each way. There is the reminder that I have cancer every time I pee and it hurts. There is being manhandled on the treatment table to get me in exactly the right position. None of these things amount to much on their own but together add up to a wearing experience accumulating over each weeks five days of treatment.
        I do meditation and keep life as simple as possible yet I know I will be very relieved in ten days time when it comes to an end. I also have a suspicion that I will somehow miss it all!

Sometimes....

   Some days recently I have been struggling to understand what is going on for me emotionally. One hour I am feeling positive, happy and the next deeply tearfully sad. I find I can go along on a reasonably level path, then something happens that I think I would normally cope with and I plunge in to a abyss of sadness or become disproportionately angry.
    Recent financial discussions with an associate have left me feeling drained and each time I have picked myself up and responded he has come back with a seeming unhelpful response, culminating  in the most unhelpful of all. Would I cope with this any better if I did not have cancer and radiotherapy to deal with ? I do not know. I hope so.

Doctor, doctor, send in the bees.

         There has been a delay in my posting as we stayed in a flat in the city where I have my treatment last week. My laptop seemed to dislike the WiFi.
          Doctor patient relations seemed to reach a low ebb ten days ago when she offered me a prescription which I turned down. The mistake was one I had made before. When a Spaniard asks how you are, do not say 'Regular' which despite translating as the same word in English prompts noticeable concern. Better to say, as I did this week, 'Bien, mas o menos' (Fine , more or less). Then I ended up with a prescription I did want.
         Another change for the better is a positive visualisation. Radioactivity has a bit of a bad press, not helped by the warning signs all round where radiotherapy suite. So it is easy to feel pretty damaged by the treatment, especially as the side effects increase. In order to counter this a little I have laid on the treatment trolley and as the machine started to hum, I have imagined tiny cancer cell eating bees zooming into my prostate and feasting, then emerging replete to flutter off.
        

Thinking about feeling

It is a curious fact that the hospital I go to infantalizes it's patients. Choices are not given. Little is explained. One is ordered around.This has pushed me into a child like response, heightened my fright of the radiotherapy machine and diminished some of my adult thinking. It has also had the unexpected result of what I believe is the release of childhood feelings related to my rather loveless upbringing. It is good to realise that not all this weight of feeling comes from having cancer. 

People

    A friend who I used to see sporadically took me to the hospital on Tuesday. He not only refused a contribution to the fuel and the tea leaves he had brought back from England for me, but he plans to do this every week (the lift, not the tea!). Perhaps it is because his wife has cancer so he understands. But then this could be a reason why some people would offer little.
    Yesterday a long term but passing acquaintance, agreed to have coffee with me, and shared quite a lot. She had breast cancer and radiotherapy last year.It was good to talk about some of the similarities and difference.
     Later I felt really sad thinking of her. Perhaps it is easier to feel sad for someone else rather than oneself ?

Pain in the....

 Since this is a full and frank blog I share more news of a sexual nature. It now hurts when I ejaculate....as with all the side effects so far: bearable but not nice.
   There are signs of the growing level of stress: like I skidded the car rather frighteningly along the mountain road crash barrier partly through not concentrating properly, and yesterday morning had a huge outburst of tears because my Amazon order went wrong. These are not normal occurrences in my life.
    I promise also to keep up with positive news, like my daughter paid us a surprise visit out side the hospital. She lives in the city that is an hour away where I attend for treatment. Her huge hug was the highlight of my day.

Oh Dear ll

    The ache has returned. It is there a lot now, especially when I pee, which on two litres of water a day, is often. It is liveable with, so is the skin soreness right round my lower abdomen, so is the stinging bum, so are the very frequent farts and bloating and indigestion and nausea.
       Together though they had up.
         So does the inconsistency between the Doctor and the nurse. It felt quite caring that the doctor had asked to see me after my 8th appointment but less so when she told me I do not have sore skin, and ushered me out. The nurse had written down the cream and soap to get for my skin.
         I am so thankful for the support and love from my wife and children that help balance all this.
      

Oh Dear

Warning, we are getting explicit here, and I am about to mention sex. The doctor had said there would be no erectile problems but I was just a little concerned. Never the less when it came to it, such concerns were no where on my horizon. It was only afterwards that I thought, oh good, everything worked well. Suddenly though I noticed an unusual ache in my penis.  I went for a pee. That did not help. I drank a large glass of water and waited. I have been told to drink two litres of water a day, but I was not told why. Maybe this would be the reason. Another pee, there was no difference.
      I am pleased to say however over the course of the next day or two, and the next ten glasses of water the ache subsided.

That Tiny Child

       That tiny child that is in us all sometimes needs attention and we don't realise. We wonder about that somehow unexpected tearfulness, and eventually the penny drops. Something is not so bad to us the adult but feels really scary to our inner child.
         Radiotherapy is like that for me.The big machine is only there to cure my cancer and all its strange movements and noises are to do me good. That is logical. And I have got used to it.
         This ignores the part of me that screams when the rays start to enter my body and just wants to be held and comforted afterwards.

Tears for Fears

      Is it just me or do you have this thing that when you are feeling rather emotional, someone being kind tips you over the edge and out come the tears? It happened to me on Thursday. One of the people who has really been there for me, lets call her Donna, was saying how she and her partner would help in any way they could.I dissolved.We were sat in the courtyard of a popular town cafe.
      There seem to be four categories of people in my life at the moment: those that don't ask about how I am and if I say anything about cancer or having to go everyday to the hospital, tell me about their sore throat, then there are those who do ask, those that offer some help in some way then those like Donna who are able to emotionally connect and to offer help in quite an unconditional way.
         Some of the people in the first category have been friends for 30 years! Dear Donna has been a friend for about a year.

Day two

I think I might have to come up with more imaginative titles: it could become a little tedious by 'Day twenty-nine'! Anyway my first 5,30  session was the same as the previous session except at 5,30! And no interesting-side-effects talk. I was on my way home by 6.
   So what IS it like, the actual session? Like sitting under a nine feet high food mixer with the beater blades removed and replaced with a foot square piece of glass. The two nurses move me around like a piece of meat on a slab until I am lined up just right. They can tell because three weeks ago I had dots positioned with the aid of an ultra scan tattooed to my sides.Then they switch on and beat a rapid retreat. The machine comes to life with a gentle hum and starts to move round me like a dog eyeing up a snake, and about to make a lunge for it. I wait for the lunge. It does not come.Instead I experience a slight hot tickling sensation in my skin and, dare I say it a sense of something heating up a little bit of the inside of me just behind my balls.I have many experiences that tell me that is where my prostate is.

Day One of Radio therapy

So here i am back home in our rural cottage, stomach gurgling, feeling at least  it is over for today.The only surprise was the three page write up on side effects they gave me. Yes gut problems feature prominantly. And I am to avoid my four favourite drinks: wine , tea, coffee and beer. Ofcourse the beer in Andalucia is cold continental lager so not SO dificult to give that up. Mind you I will admit I actually quite like the stuff after living here for 14 years.
One down 34 days to go.Oh and they now want me to come at 5.30pm.

Radiotherapy starts tomorrow

It has been over a year since the suspiciously high Prostate readings and it has been a long and difficult journey to this point.Maybe more on this later.
 My treatment, radiotherapy starts tomorrow. Typing this seems risky. So many times I have set off for the hospital expecting certain things to happen and they havent.Three weeks ago I was expecting to have a simple one day procedure called brachytherapy. Now I expect 35 sessions of radiotherapy. We shall see.
 It does not help that all this is taking place in a country whose language and way of doing things cause me still to struggle.I have got by with the gratefully received help of my wife and daughter, both more proficient with the language.
    .